I'm supposed to be studying the pelvic wall right now, but I can't stand it and need a break. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm even a quarter of the way through the lecture and I'm starting to wish that I payed attention in class for this one. Yet the reason that I have difficulty paying attention in the first place is the same reason why I am not studying right now - I simply hate this subject! So much! Ironic, right, since my future profession is centered on knowledge of the human body. Maybe it's the way anatomy is taught at my school, or maybe it's the fact that I don't care for this subject. It's so cut and dry, so meh meh meh, know this border, know that ligament, know every God damn artery and vein known to mankind!
I have 3 main problems with anatomy:
1. I never took an anatomy or physiology class in undergrad. You bet that I'm crying tears of deep regret and sorrow for that oversight.
2. I'm not a visual person. I can't see this stuff in my head, I can't form 3D images, I can't see relations easily. But don't worry, I have no intention of becoming anyone's future surgeon.
3. It's literally like trying to learn a new language. Maybe that's why I am so resentful - it's so much memorization of so many new words that I've never heard before in my life.
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of blowing anatomy off since it's a part of every block for this year. But I will grudgingly study, complete with heavy sighs and many regrets for having chosen this path. Or maybe I will try to be interested in this, if only to maximize my studying.
Hahahahahaha. Interested in this. Not likely, when I have to know every freaking border, connection, innervation, vasculature of every muscle of the pelvic wall. Especially uninterested since anatomy of this excruciating detailed level will not be tested on the boards, nor carry any relevancy into my medical specialty of choice.
Oh, medical school. Times like this make me question every big decision I've ever made in my miserable life...
And this doesn't even touch on my pure loathing toward gross anatomy!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
Mental Vacations
Without fail, I take a week-long mental vacation after every exam. It's my way of coping with the trauma of extreme sleep-deprivation and fears of failing spectacularly. The problem with taking exams on Monday and Tuesday is that by Wednesday we are expected to be ready to go, and this last week was a particularly cruel one that involved preceptorships, anatomy lab and a several tedious lectures. Some people, without a doubt, can go on with their lives and continue studying with due diligence. I, however, am not one of those people.
Exams take a lot of out me, and much of it has to do with my procrastinator lifestyle. By procrastinator, I don't mean the type that doesn't study and then crams on the weekend before an exam: I mean the type that should be studying an extra hour or two on top of the usual, and striving to stay continually focused, everyday of the week. Inevitably I fall behind on studying the material and find myself scrambling to really understand and internalize it all before the exam. That's my medical school version of procrastination, and the few days leading up to an exam are some of the most stressful days of my life. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, my blood pressure and cortisol levels rise higher and higher, and my mental sanity is on the verge of cracking.
Thankfully I only have to go through this chaos about once a month, but it takes me a full week to recharge. What that means is that I spend more time sleeping, daydreaming and watching tv than I do focusing on lectures and powerpoints. But that's ok, because after my mental vacation I feel good; I feel relaxed, recharged and ready to tackle anything. My mind is clear, my body is energized and I'm back to a nice level of zen before s*** gets real (again) in a few weeks.
My mental vacation means that I will have to study twice as much this week to be caught up, but it sure was worth it.
Exams take a lot of out me, and much of it has to do with my procrastinator lifestyle. By procrastinator, I don't mean the type that doesn't study and then crams on the weekend before an exam: I mean the type that should be studying an extra hour or two on top of the usual, and striving to stay continually focused, everyday of the week. Inevitably I fall behind on studying the material and find myself scrambling to really understand and internalize it all before the exam. That's my medical school version of procrastination, and the few days leading up to an exam are some of the most stressful days of my life. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, my blood pressure and cortisol levels rise higher and higher, and my mental sanity is on the verge of cracking.
Thankfully I only have to go through this chaos about once a month, but it takes me a full week to recharge. What that means is that I spend more time sleeping, daydreaming and watching tv than I do focusing on lectures and powerpoints. But that's ok, because after my mental vacation I feel good; I feel relaxed, recharged and ready to tackle anything. My mind is clear, my body is energized and I'm back to a nice level of zen before s*** gets real (again) in a few weeks.
My mental vacation means that I will have to study twice as much this week to be caught up, but it sure was worth it.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Istanbul
I realized that I never posted anything about my trip to Istanbul! Well, after our two week adventure in India, we stopped in Istanbul for a few days before heading back to the good ol' USA. This was about a year ago, and although it was winter the weather was pleasantly mild! I couldn't have asked for a better situation.
The visa process was super-easy, laughably so compared to India. In order for a U.S. citizen to get into Turkey, all they need is $20 and BOOM, stamp is on the passport. Yes, it is that easy!
I loved our boutique hotel, which was perfectly situated and had wonderful service. Hotel Seraglio is a veritable gem and I picked it due to the location (right in the heart of the old city) and rave reviews on Trip Advisor (which is a traveler's God-send!) My mother and aunt were very pleased as well. The hotel also provided a free transportation service with a 4 night stay and this turned out to be incredibly convenient as we landed in Istanbul at around midnight. There was also a complimentary breakfast buffet, as well as a complimentary tea-time, and the staff couldn't have been any more pleasant!
We spent three full days there and pictures will be on the way!
The visa process was super-easy, laughably so compared to India. In order for a U.S. citizen to get into Turkey, all they need is $20 and BOOM, stamp is on the passport. Yes, it is that easy!
I loved our boutique hotel, which was perfectly situated and had wonderful service. Hotel Seraglio is a veritable gem and I picked it due to the location (right in the heart of the old city) and rave reviews on Trip Advisor (which is a traveler's God-send!) My mother and aunt were very pleased as well. The hotel also provided a free transportation service with a 4 night stay and this turned out to be incredibly convenient as we landed in Istanbul at around midnight. There was also a complimentary breakfast buffet, as well as a complimentary tea-time, and the staff couldn't have been any more pleasant!
We spent three full days there and pictures will be on the way!
Happy New Year!
I've enjoyed almost three glorious weeks of winter break and I feel rejuvenated! I feel like I can take on the world, let alone medical school, and I'm ready to go full force. I've even chopped off all of my (extremely) long hair! I have a new haircut, a new attitude and a new motivation to do my absolute best during the next semester.
Alas, even though I'm on vacation, my mind still wanders to school. I've contemplated quite a bit, in regard to my motivation, my personal habits, and what I am and am not capable of. Last semester I was simply trying to keep my head above water. This time around, I'm strategizing and trying to figure out how to maximize my performance. For one, I need to make sleep a priority. Actually, not just need - MUST! The sleep deprivation I went through was hellish and I've built so much sleep debt that all of the sleep I had during these few weeks was not enough. Every day I wake up thinking that I did not get enough sleep. A good friend reminded me that medical school is not a sprint, it's a damn straight marathon. I was able to survive last semester with decent results, but I cannot keep it up if I don't get sufficient sleep. I know this now.
I'm also a lot more interested in what I am learning, and a lot more motivated to learn for the sake of learning. We are going to start preceptorships so the impending clinical exposure is making me more keen to fully learn the knowledge behind the practice. I'm actually excited about it!
If I keep this attitude throughout the semester, it just might be a good year after all.
Alas, even though I'm on vacation, my mind still wanders to school. I've contemplated quite a bit, in regard to my motivation, my personal habits, and what I am and am not capable of. Last semester I was simply trying to keep my head above water. This time around, I'm strategizing and trying to figure out how to maximize my performance. For one, I need to make sleep a priority. Actually, not just need - MUST! The sleep deprivation I went through was hellish and I've built so much sleep debt that all of the sleep I had during these few weeks was not enough. Every day I wake up thinking that I did not get enough sleep. A good friend reminded me that medical school is not a sprint, it's a damn straight marathon. I was able to survive last semester with decent results, but I cannot keep it up if I don't get sufficient sleep. I know this now.
I'm also a lot more interested in what I am learning, and a lot more motivated to learn for the sake of learning. We are going to start preceptorships so the impending clinical exposure is making me more keen to fully learn the knowledge behind the practice. I'm actually excited about it!
If I keep this attitude throughout the semester, it just might be a good year after all.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
The Dreaded Day
During the beginning of the school year, our Practice of Medicine block directors informed us that we would have an unforgettable day, one which will go down in our personal histories: the day we perform rectal/genital/gyno/breast exams. When I heard that three months ago, it didn't really freak me out because it seemed like such a long ways away. After all, I was a fresh-faced medical student barely able to keep my head above the water with all of the lectures being thrown at us everyday (yes, the legendary "fire-hydrant" experience). Three months? Felt more like three years away.
Fast forward to the day before the aforementioned exams. One thing I've learned in medical school is that the concept of time is really strange; the individual days go by so slowly, yet collectively they fly by. At this point, most of my classmates and I were in such heightened states of anxiety that I think we would have preferred a 4 hour cardiac mechanics exam to that other one. Personally, I tried to relieve my anxiety by making immature jokes, giving myself pep-talks, and pretending like it was just going to be another day in the life.
However, no amount of positive thinking could calm my nerves down. I am in no way, shape or form comfortable with nudity or excessive touching. I grew up in a socially conservative household, due to my cultural and religious background, and to this day I still don't know the actual words for "penis" and "vagina" in my language. I couldn't even bring myself to say the word "sex" until I was well into my high school years, and I would change into my P.E. uniform in the bathroom instead of by the lockers like every other normal person.
So what's a girl like me to do in such a situation?
I summoned up every ounce of courage and professionalism I had, and forced myself to be as scientific-minded as possible. That got me through the male genital and rectal demonstration that our 4th year group leader gave to my small group. However, it was so unnerving to introduce ourselves to the standardized patient and then to observe his parts as if it was such a normal thing we were doing. After viewing the demonstration, I was proud of myself for being contained and keen on learning how it was done. I thought, "Hey, maybe I can do this without freaking out!"
Once it was my turn to be in the room and to put the gloves on, the situation completely changed. The last time I had a near nervous breakdown was when we were cutting into our cadaver for the first time, and here I was with an even greater impending nervous breakdown. To make matters worse, I was in the room with three other men - the patient himself, our 4th year leader, and my classmate who was supposed to be learning from me. How did I handle all of this? In the words of that classmate: "You were freaking out."
My leg was shaking uncontrollably, my face was flush, my voice was tense and my hands were fumbling. I had to inspect, touch, palpate, squeeze, and don't even get me started on the inguinal canal (which I had to attempt three times before I got all the way up there!). THEN I had to ask him to turn around for the rectal part of the exam! At this point, I knew I was losing it and I just wanted it to be over with. I was praying for a quick end to my complete and utter mortification. To my surprise, the rectal exam turned out to be really easy and I even got a compliment ("You were gentle"). I did have to shove my finger all the way in and then some (short finger problems) but it was mercifully quick. When all was said and done, and the gloves were discarded, I pretty much ran out of the room and had to take many, many deep breaths. And then I laughed like a banshee, because I couldn't believe that I just went through that.
Next up was the female standardized patient, which was it's own kind of freaky. I had to do a breast exam, while making small talk with the patient, which wasn't so bad. Then I had to go down under. So, the female genitals are much more complex than the males. I had to get her feet in the stirrups, inspect that thing up close and personal, then palpate the Bartholin glands by putting my fingers in the vagina at 5 and 7 o'clock and squeezing. Before all of this, I thought, "I have a vagina, so this won't be too bad!" Well, after inspecting and palpating, I realized that yes, this can be bad. It was such a weird and uncomfortable feeling! Then I had to insert the speculum in order to inspect the cervix. Have you actually seen a speculum go inside a vagina, all the way? I was terrified that I was going to pinch the clitoris, or pinch the cervix, or tear something inside! Thankfully, it went smoothly (pun intended) and I had a clear view of the cervix. After pulling it out, I had to do a bimanual palpation for the uterus and ovaries. Let's just say that my short fingers didn't make anything easier. Not to mention that I really had no idea what I was doing, so my right index and middle fingers were inside the vagina for much longer than they should have been. Once again, I couldn't have been any more relieved when I heard those magically words "You're done! Great job!"
After the end of the 5 hours of hell, I went out to the local bar with the rest of my classmates and pretended like none of that had happened (and no, not through drinking the mortification away!) I ordered fish and chips, had great conversations, lots of laughs and then called my mom once I got home. I did not spare here a single detail!
At least now I know that I can handle the gross and the icky parts of medicine, but it sure is going to take a lot more genital and gynecological exams before I actually feel comfortable with it.
Fast forward to the day before the aforementioned exams. One thing I've learned in medical school is that the concept of time is really strange; the individual days go by so slowly, yet collectively they fly by. At this point, most of my classmates and I were in such heightened states of anxiety that I think we would have preferred a 4 hour cardiac mechanics exam to that other one. Personally, I tried to relieve my anxiety by making immature jokes, giving myself pep-talks, and pretending like it was just going to be another day in the life.
However, no amount of positive thinking could calm my nerves down. I am in no way, shape or form comfortable with nudity or excessive touching. I grew up in a socially conservative household, due to my cultural and religious background, and to this day I still don't know the actual words for "penis" and "vagina" in my language. I couldn't even bring myself to say the word "sex" until I was well into my high school years, and I would change into my P.E. uniform in the bathroom instead of by the lockers like every other normal person.
So what's a girl like me to do in such a situation?
I summoned up every ounce of courage and professionalism I had, and forced myself to be as scientific-minded as possible. That got me through the male genital and rectal demonstration that our 4th year group leader gave to my small group. However, it was so unnerving to introduce ourselves to the standardized patient and then to observe his parts as if it was such a normal thing we were doing. After viewing the demonstration, I was proud of myself for being contained and keen on learning how it was done. I thought, "Hey, maybe I can do this without freaking out!"
Once it was my turn to be in the room and to put the gloves on, the situation completely changed. The last time I had a near nervous breakdown was when we were cutting into our cadaver for the first time, and here I was with an even greater impending nervous breakdown. To make matters worse, I was in the room with three other men - the patient himself, our 4th year leader, and my classmate who was supposed to be learning from me. How did I handle all of this? In the words of that classmate: "You were freaking out."
My leg was shaking uncontrollably, my face was flush, my voice was tense and my hands were fumbling. I had to inspect, touch, palpate, squeeze, and don't even get me started on the inguinal canal (which I had to attempt three times before I got all the way up there!). THEN I had to ask him to turn around for the rectal part of the exam! At this point, I knew I was losing it and I just wanted it to be over with. I was praying for a quick end to my complete and utter mortification. To my surprise, the rectal exam turned out to be really easy and I even got a compliment ("You were gentle"). I did have to shove my finger all the way in and then some (short finger problems) but it was mercifully quick. When all was said and done, and the gloves were discarded, I pretty much ran out of the room and had to take many, many deep breaths. And then I laughed like a banshee, because I couldn't believe that I just went through that.
Next up was the female standardized patient, which was it's own kind of freaky. I had to do a breast exam, while making small talk with the patient, which wasn't so bad. Then I had to go down under. So, the female genitals are much more complex than the males. I had to get her feet in the stirrups, inspect that thing up close and personal, then palpate the Bartholin glands by putting my fingers in the vagina at 5 and 7 o'clock and squeezing. Before all of this, I thought, "I have a vagina, so this won't be too bad!" Well, after inspecting and palpating, I realized that yes, this can be bad. It was such a weird and uncomfortable feeling! Then I had to insert the speculum in order to inspect the cervix. Have you actually seen a speculum go inside a vagina, all the way? I was terrified that I was going to pinch the clitoris, or pinch the cervix, or tear something inside! Thankfully, it went smoothly (pun intended) and I had a clear view of the cervix. After pulling it out, I had to do a bimanual palpation for the uterus and ovaries. Let's just say that my short fingers didn't make anything easier. Not to mention that I really had no idea what I was doing, so my right index and middle fingers were inside the vagina for much longer than they should have been. Once again, I couldn't have been any more relieved when I heard those magically words "You're done! Great job!"
After the end of the 5 hours of hell, I went out to the local bar with the rest of my classmates and pretended like none of that had happened (and no, not through drinking the mortification away!) I ordered fish and chips, had great conversations, lots of laughs and then called my mom once I got home. I did not spare here a single detail!
At least now I know that I can handle the gross and the icky parts of medicine, but it sure is going to take a lot more genital and gynecological exams before I actually feel comfortable with it.
Monday, October 21, 2013
The Scariest Part of Medical School
At first, I thought the scariest part of medical school would be relinquishing "a life," thanks to insanely excessive amounts of studying that take over every aspect of one's existence.
After adjusting to this inhumane lifestyle, I've come to realize it's not scary at all... it's just become a fact of life. I am used to studying for hours almost every day. What I've come to realize is that the scariest part is having to actually KNOW this information forever! It's not like in undergrad, when it was good enough to know the information to get you through an exam - then your brain is free to empty it all out. With medical school, your brain needs to really soak in most of the information, even the little mundane, boring details, because it's the stuff that will help you to help others. Your brain needs to retain that information beyond the next exam or block final because it will 1) show up on boards in a couple years and 2) because that's what will help to make you a good doctor.
It's extremely scary when I think about how hard it is to study everything and to really really know it so that I can treat patients on my own one day. I sometimes think it's simply not possible to know most of this stuff.
After adjusting to this inhumane lifestyle, I've come to realize it's not scary at all... it's just become a fact of life. I am used to studying for hours almost every day. What I've come to realize is that the scariest part is having to actually KNOW this information forever! It's not like in undergrad, when it was good enough to know the information to get you through an exam - then your brain is free to empty it all out. With medical school, your brain needs to really soak in most of the information, even the little mundane, boring details, because it's the stuff that will help you to help others. Your brain needs to retain that information beyond the next exam or block final because it will 1) show up on boards in a couple years and 2) because that's what will help to make you a good doctor.
It's extremely scary when I think about how hard it is to study everything and to really really know it so that I can treat patients on my own one day. I sometimes think it's simply not possible to know most of this stuff.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Happiness in Medical School?
Happiness and medical school - a juxtaposition of two very contradictory terms. It's been six weeks into medical school and the word "happiness" has hardly popped up. The medical school daily grind is so intense and consuming that you start to lose sight of the concept of happiness. It's not intentional, and it's not as if you are unhappy. It's just that happiness really doesn't have much relevance to your life anymore.
I have at least been trying to keep a balanced existence, but as the lectures pile up and the content becomes more difficult to get through, the balance starts to slip... gradually and subtly. Whereas weeks ago I was meeting up with friends, exercising, eating balanced meals and calling my friends and family, I now find myself rushing through boxed dinners, sending quick "Hi, love you, I'm busy" texts to my mom and completely forgetting that a thing called exercise even exists. Except for when I happen to look at myself in the mirror... then I remember "exercise" and the complete lack of its existence in my life with startling clarity.
II certainly don't want to live the rest of my medical school life in this state of "I'm too busy to remember I have a life!" I have to remind myself of how blessed I am to even be here, and that I have a choice with how I want to live. No one forced me to be here - no one is forcing me to study all the time. It really is all about finding the right balance with strategic time management... and I really am trying to get there. I want to enjoy medical school while still enjoying my life at the same time.
I also want to be HAPPY. I want to see each day as a beautiful new day, with meaningful moments and interactions. I want to be conscious of each day and mindful of its possibilities. This article I stumbled upon was a great reminder for me:
The Habits of Supremely Happy People
Yes, I'm deciding to be a HAPPY medical student!
I have at least been trying to keep a balanced existence, but as the lectures pile up and the content becomes more difficult to get through, the balance starts to slip... gradually and subtly. Whereas weeks ago I was meeting up with friends, exercising, eating balanced meals and calling my friends and family, I now find myself rushing through boxed dinners, sending quick "Hi, love you, I'm busy" texts to my mom and completely forgetting that a thing called exercise even exists. Except for when I happen to look at myself in the mirror... then I remember "exercise" and the complete lack of its existence in my life with startling clarity.
II certainly don't want to live the rest of my medical school life in this state of "I'm too busy to remember I have a life!" I have to remind myself of how blessed I am to even be here, and that I have a choice with how I want to live. No one forced me to be here - no one is forcing me to study all the time. It really is all about finding the right balance with strategic time management... and I really am trying to get there. I want to enjoy medical school while still enjoying my life at the same time.
I also want to be HAPPY. I want to see each day as a beautiful new day, with meaningful moments and interactions. I want to be conscious of each day and mindful of its possibilities. This article I stumbled upon was a great reminder for me:
The Habits of Supremely Happy People
Yes, I'm deciding to be a HAPPY medical student!
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